|
Cameren's Journey Welcome to Cameren's web page. It has been provided to keep everyone updated about his journey. Thank you.
Journal
Tuesday, November 11, 2008 3:12 PM CST Good day. Tomorrow it will be one year since Cameren died. Please understand that my inability to write has not been an act of denial. I just needed the space, time and distance to put everything into perspective. I would like to give you a heart's eye into our world.
It's a strange planet. I expected that life would bring about change, but I also was fixed in my identity as a wife and mother of two growing and healthy children. With an unforeseen divorce and Cameren's death in quick succession, it has been a struggling brew of determination, beauty, and yes, sadness to get to this point.
My main concern this past year has been Jake. He has been in private counseling and a siblings' support group, and everyone there thinks he is doing well. Comparatively, that is true. I have read enough to know that Jake is going through the classic signs of grieving for a boy his age. He has nightmares a lot, is less emotionally resilient, is now afraid of the dark, is clingy, takes out his verbal and physical agression on me (at 8, now 9, they have trouble expressing their feelings), is more afraid to try new things, etc. These are very normal things for a boy who lost his brother and a live-in relationship with his father. Does this make it easier on me that I do get this? Yes and no. While I have understood this ... others close to me have been less compassionate. Sometimes people are just ready to move on. And partially my fault here ... I don't bring up my deep feelings much because I sense that it is not welcomed. And so because they did not give birth to either child, they want me to batten down the hatches, "just whip his ass". I have heard it all. It is rough after everything I have been through with Cameren to have a few folks challenge my judgement and disrespect my family. This is still my family ... Cameren is with God, and Jake and I are here. I wonder if I were a man if these statements would've been made. No matter I guess. I addressed them. I have the support of Jake's therapist and many others in how I am raising him, and I know that he has made a lot of progress this past year. It is a life-long journey he and I must make. Be glad it is not yours.
Having addressed the dark corner, I prefer to focus on the light. Jake continues to be a gifted student at Richard E. Miller. He always does his homework right after school of his own volition. He has steady chores, and even did his first load of towels last week. Mind you they were not completely dry when he folded them, but hey, Rome wasn't built in a day. He just ended a great personal football season, although the team record fell short. He always started on defense, and began starting on offence too, halfway through the season. I would worry he would get dried out in the sun for lack of water. Anyway, he is a hell of a tackler, and now tips the scale at 90 lbs. I guess I'll head north soon to slaughter an open-range cow to stick in the deep freezer I should buy. That boy can eat. This morning, he and the neighborhood gang had a juice stand. They will donate the $20 they made to the animal shelter. His older brother is no doubt watching with smiling eyes.
In addition to the therapy and truckloads of patience I must sieve on a daily basis, I have focused on intimacy with Jake ... showing him that we will be okay. Giving him experiences that foster confidence, honor, courage. He did not have me full time for almost three years, and so we are bonding. Some things we have done this past year:
1. hot air balloon ride over the desert at Christmas.
2. skiing in Colorado with Uncle Dave and Aunt Trish
3. another trip to Colorado for Dave and Trish's wedding.
4. Little League excitement
5. trip to Indiana complete with berry picking, jam making, lake carousing, demolition derby attending, fair rides, etc.
6. trip to Sedona on Cameren's birthday.
7. car shopping for something zippier.
8. late night swims in our pool.
9 planting a garden together and watching it grow.
10. teaching him to build fires. He loves it, and this fall he is the expert.
11. Went to Joan and Andy's cabin, where he learned how to shoot a bb gun and chop wood. He loved that too.
I could go on here ... these were the first to pop to my brain. The point is to have Jake feel stability with his everyday routine, and yet feel good about what life has to offer. It has and continues to be a healing experience for the both of us. Stability, adventure, and love, mixed with a swirl for the unconventional. We will be okay.
And as I ramble on here, I want to mention the importance of friendship and lounging this past year. I missed having a cocktail in my courtyard. I enjoy going to a club, dancing, or taking Jake to a Cardinals game. In fact, Jake went to see his first concert, Bon Jovi (Cameren's favorite), last April. He was mesmerized. I have been dating ... something I never anticipated I would do again. I am happy there.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that life is short. We all have had hard things happen in our lives. Perhaps a couple folks would be more comfortable if I laid in bed in tears everyday. That is just not my nature; nor was it Cameren's. He would want Jake and I to squeeze the lemons til the pulp was mashed to the rind, add lots of sugar, and drink hungrily ... with thanks and the honor of having him with me for 10 beautiful years. Our time on earth is so transient. I feel him with me everyday, but I know that my own death will be sweet at our meeting.
Once again, I digress. My own bout of PTSD is much better, but not resolved. Mostly, I'm just scatter-brained still. I wanted to tell you about the wonderful things that folks have done for us and in most importantly, in Cameren's memory.
In late March, the Royal Palm Orangewood Little League, renamed the minor field, CAMEREN FIELD. I was asked about it earlier in the week, and felt very honored to speak on his behalf on opening day. Cameren loved baseball with all his heart. We were very touched. His name is on the dugout in painted white letters.
Also in the spring, my extended family on my dad's side, donated the money to have a tree planted at Cameren's school in his memory. The fifth grade sang a touching song and all help pat some dirt around the base of the tree. I spoke, and that day, tears muddied my eyes. At the base of the tree, we placed a giant, smooth river rock. I had it enscribed with pretty font, Cameren's tree, and then the etching of a turtle. That tree is growing beautifully thanks to the attention of Don, who oversees all physcial operations at the school. I also want to acknowledge Griff, Fernando, and beloved Hillary, for procuring and delivered such a lovely piece of God's handiwork. May it serve as a reminder of the importance of friendship. Cameren never felt alone because of all of you.
I could write the book that is lodged in my head, but honestly, this little amount today exhausted me. I know I left a lot out, and yet, I hope it gives you a window into our world. Your unwavering support of Cameren and his family has meant that I am able to carry on and make the most of my life. I am humbled and grateful beyond words. I don't remember who said it, but it goes a little something like this, "Those who think they made it on their own, never really made it all." Truer words have not been spoken in my life.
Be good to each other and grateful for the moment as we approach the Holiday season. It is a time for fellowship.
love,
l
Read Journal History
Links: http://eamcivor@yahoo.com Liz's email
http://marrow.org great info on transplant
http://cameren97@yahoo.com Cameren's email
|
|
